By David Stanczak
A modest proposal I made 11 years ago has gone unconsidered. But after University of Illinois Chancellor Mullah Robert Jones has censored the Marching Illini by banning the playing of the music that used to accompany Chief Illiniwek’s dance at halftime, the modest proposal needs to be updated and advanced with a new urgency.
With the elimination of the last shred of a connection between the University of Illinois and the tribes that used to inhabit this area, the University needs a new team name.
There’s nothing wrong with ‘Fighting Illini’, except that the PC officials now running things insist on eradicating anything that looks, sounds like or even makes one want to think of the Illiniwek tribes. Without the connection, “Fighting Illini” is meaningless, and the University needs a new name for the team.
A suitable name should be indigenous to Illinois (like the Illiniwek); it should be colorful and have some personality (unlike a Buckeye, for example); it should allow for a real mascot that can cavort with cheerleaders and do silly things at games (instead of making a brief, dignified appearance only at half-time); and terms associated with the team name should be used in a variety of sports. I have a modest proposal that meets all those criteria: the Crooks.
Crooks are indigenous to Illinois. I know what you’re thinking: Crooks are low class. But some of Illinois’ most prominent people have been crooks. Just within my lifetime, crooks have included four governors, and an attorney general; two Supreme Court Justices resigned amid conflict-of interest charges; we had a Secretary of State who kept a shoebox full of cash in his hotel room closet; and I can’t remember the last time Chicago City Hall wasn’t being investigated for something. Illinois alone could populate a Crooks’ Hall of Fame: apart from the mobsters (Capone, Nitti, Giancana, and Accardo), what state can boast of the likes of Nathan Leopold, Richard Speck and John Wayne Gacy; Danny Escobedo, whose name is well-known to every cop, was an Illinoisan.
The new team name would allow for a colorful mascot: it could look something like the Hamburglar; or it could have a snarly, Godfather-type face and brandish a Super Soaker that looks like a Tommy gun. At the start of games, instead of Illinois Loyalty, we could sing Jailhouse Rock; and instead of Hail to the Orange at halftime, we could sing I Left My Heart in Statesville prison.
The name change wouldn’t even require a change of team colors. McLean County has used both orange and blue jump suits to outfit guests at the Jon Sandage Hilton.
The team name relates to terms commonly used in a variety of sports: “stealing bases”, “shooting”, “stealing the ball”, “courts”, “hit-and-run”, “kill shots”, “hits.”- “targeting”, you get the idea.
Finally, there is the best reason of all: Not even the most politically correct administrator will get excited about the name or symbols being demeaning or hostile to criminals. Go Crooks!
David Stanczak, a WJBC commentator since 1995, came to Bloomington in 1971. He served as the City of Bloomington’s first full-time legal counsel for over 18 years, before entering private practice. He is currently employed by the Snyder Companies and continues to reside in Bloomington with his family.
The opinions expressed within WJBC’s Voices are solely those of the author, and are not necessarily those of WJBC or Cumulus Media Inc.
